He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
