it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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