Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
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His hands were made for my vagina.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
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She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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