dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
