No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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