she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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