my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
