Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
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I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
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Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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