you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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