google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
