i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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