apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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