If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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