I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
