i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
