Im at strip club and am horny
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.