I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.