Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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