What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
