I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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