i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Drunk is not a location!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
