Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
so much tequila, so little girl.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
