girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
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I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
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Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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