I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?