His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.