One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
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We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
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FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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