I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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