Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Apple has a Lot to Explain to iPhone X Customers
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
People Asked The Internet Questions About their Private Parts And The Results Are Hilarious
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast