So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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