my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
