: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
