im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
