My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.