You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
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You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?