matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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