Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
