You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize