is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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