At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
