awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
