90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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