Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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