if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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