I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
