My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
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i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
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I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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