I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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