Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
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He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
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No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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