his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
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I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
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It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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