Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize