My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
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Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
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Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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