Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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