Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize