I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
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You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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